I, Valedictorian
by yoda-is-cool
Summary: Nadae Dravvaadas, The Perfect Jedi. These will be important chapters to in Nadae's life, but take place outside the prequel trilogy films.
1. Chapter 1

Wow. Ok. Its been ages. I am so sorry about all this. I'm not gonna bore you guys with excuses and all that crap.

So I started _I, Padawan_ agesssss ago, and soon found I actually had little to no motivation to write it. I really wanna share my story with you guys though.

I've decided I'm gonna scratch the idea of writing in a trilogy and in the same style that I wrote the _Famous Last Words_ trilogy a few years ago. I'm going to compile important parts of Nadae's life into one instalment. I have no idea how long it will take, but ive definitely built up a lot more motivation to write Nadae's life this way. I may/may not remove _I, Padawan_ or not.

In other news, Its been like 3 years or something since I first introduced Kat to the scene of _Star Wars…_ I'm thinking of going through the process of editing and rewriting her trilogy at one point (I'm meant to be writing a psych lab report for uni…. This may take time ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ )

I've got ideas for Force Awakens and Last Jedi movies… however I may wait until the last movie comes out so I can sort out how I can adapt my story to their story.

Alsooo… I have an idea for a _Mass Effect_ fic for a FemShep… lemme know if y'all would be interested in that.

Anyhoooo…. Here's _I, Valedictorian…_

An End, Once and For All  
18BBY

She crawled forward. If what she had just accomplished wasn't enough strain for her body, she felt like fire was crawling across her skin as she was suffocating on her own blood.

This was the end, Nadae knew it. Her face covered in her own blood, she stood up on two legs and continued stumbling forward.

As the blaster bolts flew past her, she reached out with her arm, letting the force connect her to her weapon that was being guarded by a Stormtrooper captain. The cool metal was familiar in her palm as she caught it, igniting both ends of her green lightsaber so she could defend herself as the shots from the stormtrooper's blasters became more accurate in aim.

Nadae kept walking forward, away from the makeshift infirmary and towards a frontal assault on the stormtroopers blocking her way. She mustered up all her might, then channelled the force through her to push the stormtroopers to the side, either killing them or giving them concussions.

Then she saw the devil himself, who would've been hiding behind his troops like a cheap coward.

Darth Sidious slowly turned towards Nadae. She knew he was expecting her to fight back.

"Where," she breathed out angrily. "is my _baby?_ "

Sidious showed no emotion. He merely took a few steps towards Nadae. He eyed the wounds and blood that now tainted her pale skin. Her white hair was slicked with sweat and more blood.

"She is," he muttered in his sickly croaky voice. "mine to control now. She will purge the galaxy of imperfection." He stopped before the steps, looking down at Nadae. "You are imperfection."

Nadae would never believe him. She had to keep going forward if there was any hope at all for anyone left in the galaxy.

She had to keep going to give hope for _her_.

A frown formed upon her face. _I believe in more than that._ "You will not survive, Emperor." She forced herself to speak through the strain. "There is hope. A power and resistance you could not possibly imagine. We will prevail."

"You will die." He said, matter-of-factly. "What does anything matter to you?" he raised his hands in front of him, fingers pointing towards her.

 _This was it…_

… _help better be on it's way._

She straightened her back, rolled her shoulders and looked directly into Sidious' eyes.

"Everything," her voice started trembling as she spoke. "We will have our peace."

She suddenly found herself on the floor, spasming uncontrollably. She suddenly felt the pain of Sidious' lightning wrath. She felt as though she was burning alive.

She screamed. It was all she could hear.

 _I'm doing this for my Master._

 _I'm doing this for Padmé._

 _For Meda._

 _For little Luke._

 _I'm doing this for V'kala._

 _For Obi-Wan…_

… _I do this for my girl. My beautiful girl, Kat…_

 _I will watch over you._


	2. Chapter 2: 1, 8 and 12 years old

**A New Youngling**  
49BBY – Nadae is 1

"This is who you sensed? This baby?"

"Her brother, too." Yoda replied. Qui-Gon carried the small one-year old in his arms. He could understand what Yoda was sensing… The ancient legend

was true. The baby's brother, V'kala trailed along not far behind him.

The eleven-year old boy would need protecting. The council did not approve of him joining at this age, however given Yoda's vision and authority, they had to accept.

"So how does this work?" V'kala caught up to Qui-Gon and Yoda, flipping his white hair out of his face. "Do I get a lightsaber?"

"Choose you first, a Jedi master will." Yoda explained. "Train first, you must."

"It's so you don't cut off your arm." Qui-Gon added.

"Cool." V'kala smiled. He had already mastered some aspects of the Force, such as telekenises. However, the boy needed to learn not to throw rocks around and damage walls when he was frustrated about losing a game of sabacc.

Qui-Gon saw one of the younglings come running from down the corridor of the temple. Obi-Wan was a small boy, still to unleash his talent in the Force. Qui-Gon and Yoda both knew it was there; other masters had their concerns.

Qui-Gon has happy to admit to himself that he indeed was keeping an eye on Obi-Wan. If no other Jedi was going to take him in as a Padawan, he thought he might do it himself.

"Is this the new youngling?" Obi-Wan was a little puffed by the time he reached Qui-Gon. "Can I see 'em?"

Qui-Gon, V'kala and Yoda stopped in their tracks. Why not? Qui-Gon thought. He got to his knees to show the infant to Obi-Wan.

"This is little Nadae," Qui-Gon introduced the sleeping infant to Obi-Wan. "When she's old enough, she's going to be Yoda's Padawan."

"What are those?" Obi-Wan pointed to Nadae's face.

"Nobility markings, Naboo she is from." Yoda said.

"They mean that she is a Dravvaadas. Like me." V'kala explained to Obi-Wan. "My other sisters wear them, too."

"They make her look a bit like a little bird," Obi-Wan said out loud.

Qui-Gon couldn't see it, really. However, he wasn't a child; Obi-Wan could probably see everything in anything. "I guess," he said, still trying to see Obi-Wan's view. "Obi-Wan, why don't you show V'kala to the guest quarters? He can stay there for tonight before he gets a master tomorrow."

"C'mon," Obi-Wan grabbed V'kala's arm. "I'll show you. It's near where I am in the youngling's quarters."

Qui-Gon re-adjusted Nadae in his arms. Once he saw the two boys were far enough away, he turned his attention back to Yoda. "You're confident you want to be the one to train the little bird?" He joked, but was half serious.

"Naturally, I am." Yoda "visited by the force ghost, I was. The family has returned."

"And Jedi training will suit them?"

"Know that, I do not." Yoda sighed. "A right that I must take. A fine master of he Force she will turn out to be, anyway."

"Well, let us hope it's a Jedi that she becomes."

 **The Initiation**  
41BBY – Nadae is 8

"Obi-Wan!"

Nadae came running into his quarters. Obi-Wan thought it was far too early in the morning to be excited about anything.

He rolled over in his bed to see her running through the door, smooth white hair flowing behind her. Her Naboo markings covered her pink cheeks which stood out as she smiled.

"Little bird," he rubbed his eyes, slowly sitting up. "It's 0600. You should be sleeping."

"I can't," she came up to the edge of his bed, and annoyingly started poking him. "I'm gonna be Yoda's Padawan today."

Of course. "Yeah, how could I forget," he said as she crawled onto the edge of his bed. "You're gonna be a big Jedi now."

"I'm not a kid, Obi-Wan," she crossed her arms and legs as she sat at the other end of the bed.

She was eight-years old. She was a kid to Obi-Wan. "Ah well, I'm not sorry, Nads." He smiled and she got grumpier. "I forgot, you stopped being a kid when you finally grew taller than Yoda."

"Yeah, but that was ages ago," she huffed. Obi-Wan loved teasing her. "You're gonna be there, at the ceremony, right?"

"Of course, Nads. Why wouldn't I?" He leaned over and ruffled her hair, finally seeing how anxious she was. "You miss your brother, don't you?"

She got grumpy again. "He left the order before my ceremony."

Obi-Wan didn't get why V'kala had left the order. He was only about a year or two from becoming a Knight, who would leave when they're that far into their training?

Of course Nads was angry at her brother. The only family she had known had just left. "Well, don't you worry, Little Bird. Wouldn't miss your ceremony for the world."

She smiled at him, happy her friend was at least there for her. Obi-Wan loved that lop-sided smile of hers, it was even better when she had her face paint removed.

Just Nads and her beautiful, cute smile.

"I'll be up soon to help you get breakfast," he said, slowly sliding back underneath the blankets. "Get your nutrition before your big day. In the meantime, go annoy my master."

"You'd better get me ghibli fruits." She grumbled as she jumped off the bed. "Master Qui-Gon!"

Obi-Wan chuckled to himself. "Can't imagine your breakfast without them"

 **I Am a Jedi**  
37BBY – Nadae is 12

Nads was tired. She was starting to get grumpy with herself. She felt little strands of her hair stick to her forehead. That meant her markings would soon start smudging with sweat.

She picked up her practise stick from the sand. The black cotton of her shoes was getting covered in red. She could feel the sweat dampening her gloves which reached to wrap around her middle fingers.

"Again," Yoda instructed the two Padawans in the duelling rink. Aayla, a blue Twi'lek Padawan, readied her stick as though she were hold a normal lightsaber. Nads was preparing to use a double-bladed lightsaber. Yoda had started pricing her with longer, but lighter sticks to train with.

Nads wanted this to be over with, so she could finally get to constructing her lightsaber. She wasn't a fan of lightsaber duelling; her forte was with telekinesis. She loved throwing rocks at opponents with the movements of her arms, or pushing the air together in front of her so dense that not even blaster bolts could penetrate her shields.

However, she was becoming a Jedi. This was her duty. It was a requirement that she learnt close-up lightsaber combat.

Nads readied her stick, prepared to take the defensive again. She eyed the few people in the stands; Master Yoda and Master Vos were watching their Padawans train. Obi-Wan sat with Qui-Gon not too far from the Masters. And only the Maker knows why the senator of Naboo enjoyed watching these things. 'Good to see the future protectors of the Republic in training' or some other reason.

"Go the offensive!" She heard Obi-Wan shout before Qui-Gon silenced him, making him sit back down. Nads overheard Qui-Gon tell him something about 'figuring it out for herself'.

She breathed deeply. I am a Jedi, she constantly told herself.

"Now," she heard Yoda instruct, and Aayla was already running towards her. Nads decided this time to head Obi-Wan's advice, and started charging as well. Their sticks clashed in front of their faces. She tried using the Force to overpower Aayla's strength, until an idea came to her. She carefully stepped to the side, lowering the side of the stick that had been clashed against Aayla's and attempted to move the other side to prod her in the thigh.

Aayla was too quick for her, however, and leapt into the air just in time before taking the strike that would prove fatal in a real duel. She flipped mid air, landing low and aiming for Nads' ankles.

Nads jumped backwards just in time before Aayla could take her out. She was hopeful that she could take down Aayla this time. She moved to jab her stomach, but Aayla had stepped out of the way and stood to face her side. With Nads' stick out, Aayla moved hers upwards and clashed it with Nads'. She lost grib of her stick and it went flying through the air, and Aayla swung around and whacked Nads in the stomach, sending her flying towards the ground.

Nads felt like throwing up. Her back and stomach had both taken large amounts of force there and it had slightly upset her inner organs.

"Oh Maker, I am so sorry." Aayla put her hands to her mouth, Nads could feel shock radiating from the Twi'lek Padawan as she knelt down to help her up.

Nads waved her off. "I'll be fine," she sat up, dusting the red sand from her black robes.

She looked up at Yoda. She couldn't tell what he was thinking, she thought he'd probably be disappointed in today's performance.

Yoda waved one hand in the air. "Dismissed, you are." Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan got up and started heading towards the dining hall, the Senator left and started heading towards the entrance. Obi-Wan had that sorrowful face on him, the one that told her he felt pity for her. She hated when he felt that way, and he felt that way whenever she practiced in the rink. Master Vos left with Aayla, praising her good work. Yoda made his way to the centre of the rink where Nads was still sitting, clutching her stomach.

"I'm sorry, Master," she lowered her head. "I failed again."

"Failed?" Yoda sounded offended. "Never failed, you have." He shook his head, leaning onto his stick. "Improved in the last few rounds, you did."

"Thank-you, Master, but I still lost."

"Padawan Secura is good with a lightsaber." He commented, which didn't help Nads at all. "However, in the Force arena, triumph over almost every other Padawan, you do."

Nads finally felt the strength to stand up. "Yes, Master, but I still need to be able to use a lightsaber to become a Knight."

"And use one in time you will," he moved to stand at her side. "Is sad that your improvement you cannot see."

"Sorry, Master." It didn't really matter what Yoda would tell her at this point. She had failed in the rink today, and she was going to fail many more times.

I am a Jedi, she reminded herself before she could breakdown. There is no emotion.

"Hmm," Yoda smiled as he climbed up Nads' robes to cling to her shoulder. "Forgiveness I will give you, if to the dining hall you take me too so I may eat, my gifted Padawan."

Nads smiled at this. She could do with taking her mind off the duelling rink with some nice food. She made sure Yoda was comfortable on her should before she headed out of the rink towards the dining hall.

I am a terrible person.

I wasn't doing my lab report... I wasn't even writing this fic... I started writing my mass effect fic... DgfvejhdnsaJHBFOEHVBDSJHCBEJLSB

anyway...

I have a feeling _I, Valedictorian_ won't be as long as my other fics. Who knows. Also, don't edit your docos on the iPad. I can't insert page breaks, which is annoying. Hopefully my computer will be operational soon!

now... I have a lab report of which I need to begin... It's due in less than 24 hours.

\- yoda-is-cool.


	3. The Past Will Repeat

_**The Past Will Repeat  
**_ I cannot be bothered figuring out the year, but Nadae is around 12 or 13

She didn't know where she was; it was twilight, the stars gleaming beautifully. The pine trees, the soil and streaming water gave a certain earthy atmosphere.

A small distance away, she could see someone, kneeling on the ground, hands dug in the dirt in the middle of a small array of tall lit fire torches.

She cautiously walked closer to the person; their robes were elegant. A black tunic with golden lining and swirls. The person, apparently a female, had her hair pulled back into a braided bun, a few strands loose. What caught Nadae's attention was the lightsaber on the ground near the person's right hand.

A Jedi.

Her hair was white.

Nadae lost her breath.

The Jedi was suffering, Nadae couldn't tell what it was until a sheer, glowing figure appeared before the Jedi.

" _Valkorian,"_

" _Outlander,"_

" _Get out of my mind!"_ The Jedi struggled. She appeared to become weaker. She stretched out her hand, grasping the lightsaber hilt. It, like her robes, was elegant in style; a dark brown metal with silver-purple swirling patterns, encased between two-brassy ends to the hilt.

" _In time, Barsen'thor, you_ will _not only kneel to me, but become me."_

* * *

Nads awoke from her slumber, started.

She looked out the window from her bed, breathing shakily. The sun poured in, alerting her that she should already be up.

She sat on the edge of her bed, looking forward to see her Master was standing in front of her, waiting patiently.

"A vision, have you had?" Yoda could still read her too well.

"Yes, Master," Nads stood up, heading towards her dresser to fetch her robes.

"Of what?"

Nads paused for a second, holding her black robes within her hand. "I saw a Jedi. In a forest."

"Hmm?"

She continued into the fresher room so she could get out of her sleepwear and into her day robes, covering her body from head to toe. "She… she had someone possessing her mind. Trying to take control of her."

She could feel Yoda's concern radiating through the 'fresher door. "Worrisome this can be. Where was this forest?"

"I'm not sure, Master. I… I want to say that it was a vision from the past, but I can't be sure."

"Makes you say this, what does?"

Nads was more concerned about this part. She had just finished placing her linen boots on and was preparing to paint her marking on for the day. She looked in the mirror, stroking a portion of her fantastically straight white hair. "She looked like me, but wasn't me. She had my hair."

Silence was all the came from outside the 'fresher. Not good at all. She could feel Yoda's contemplative thoughts practically purge their way through the door. She had finished her facially markings by the time Yoda had finally spoken again.

"Investigate and meditate on this we will. Focus on your sword training for now, we must."

Nadae wasn't sure to be relieved or worried that Yoda was letting it slide for the time being.

"Now, ready for breakfast, are you?"

"Almost,"

Nads then placed her hood over her head so it fit snugly while covering her hair. She picked up the thin, gold hairpiece from the bathroom bench and placed it where her hood ended on her forehead, keeping the hood in place.

* * *

Nadae was, at Yoda's instructions, meditating in front of the galaxy map in the Jedi Library. She focused on the vision, which she had dreamt of several times by now. The smell of earthy soil and the trees, the cool night breeze that seemed to wash over her skin, that was what she chose to focus on.

She let the Force do its work, guiding her hand through the map's star systems. When she felt her arm stop moving and her finger pointing, she opened her eyes to see her hand residing near the Unknown Regions, somewhere between the Spar Sector and Rakata Prime.

Nadae turned to face Yoda, hoping he would have an answer.

He 'humphed' and then proceeded to play with the map's controls, zooming in on the Unknown Regions. "Padawan, here," he pointed towards the map, spying a region which was unheard of to Nadae. "There we will go."

* * *

Nadae strode towards the shuttle bay outside the Temple, Obi-Wan briskly walking besides her.

"I don't understand," he kept the conversation flowing. "You saw yourself?"

"No, I do not think so." Nadae stopped in her tracks, turning her body to face Obi-Wan as she straightened her Padawan plait and re-adjust her outer robes. "An ancestor is a more likely answer."

Her voice was getting deeper as she aged. Obi-Wan felt as though her voice sounded like a hand running it's fingers through dark silks, or a flowing river at night time with stars and moons glistening slightly in the reflection.

Her voice was also becoming sterner, more assertive, as she grew older and wore her veil more often.

"What are you expecting to find?" Obi-Wan crossed his arms in front of his chest, putting a foot back to observe Nads. Soon, he wouldn't be looking down on her; she was slowly, but surely, becoming a grown Jedi.

"Something," she replied.

Obi-Wan sensed she was hiding from him. She was getting better at shielding her emotions and Force signature. However, she hadn't completely mastered showing no emotion. He sensed the wall she had placed up, and it was still obvious.

"You're nervous." He concluded.

"I am a Jedi," she retorted back. "I'm not nervous, Obi-Wan."

He knew she'd stubbornly keep her view. He could feel a slight falter within the barricade she had placed up.

Obi-Wan couldn't tell whether it was companionable or awkward silence between them for the next few seconds. He, however, was not going to let her leave on an awkward note.

"Yoda says you're ready for a lightsaber." He grinned at her. "Have my late-night lessons finally payed off?" he teased.

He definitely felt her barricade fall down. She cracked a smile at him and Obi-Wan felt as though the entire atmosphere of Coruscant became more breathable and lighter. "Don't get cocky, Kenobi. Just because you know you're the best…" she kept her head turned towards him as she turned around to start walking towards the shuttle again.

Obi-Wan felt the Great-Wall-Of-Nadae rise back up as she joined Master Yoda again, who was convening with other council members just outside the shuttle door.

"I hope your journey proves successful," he bid both Nadae and her Master luck as they boarded the shuttle.

Both Nadae and Yoda bowed their heads at the same time. "We hope so too," Nadae replied as the shuttle doors closed, before zooming through the skyscrapers of the Galactic Capital.

* * *

Nadae shed her outer robes as she stepped off the shuttle. The planet they had landed on was a live holo of the vision she had.

It smelt exactly the same.

"Master?"

"Go," he waved his stick in front of him as he stepped off the shuttle. "Your journey this is."

"I don't know what I'm looking for, Master."

Yoda shook his head, disappointed that his student didn't understand. "Guide you, the Force will. Your destination in the forest it lies. Set up a camp I shall, so your growing body can eat."

Nadae ignored how heavily her heart thumped as she stepped away from the shuttle into the pine woods, unarmed.

 **OoO**

Nadae felt as though the Force was pushing her along the side of the river. Well… it had to be since as she walked forwards fire torches would light up themselves, igniting her pathway with light in the dead of the night.

The river delved down into a chasm, several tens of feet below the ground Nadae stood on. The Force wanted her to continue, hence she made the large leap across the deadly chasm to the other side.

It was here she made her first discovery.

A cave, filled with colourful, glowing crystals which grew on the walls.

She couldn't help her instinct; she was in awe. Her heart pounded more heavily, however it was astonishment rather than fear that drove her. The gross variety of blues, greens, purples, oranges were amazing to her.

She placed her hand against a wall set of green crystals. One came loose easily into the palm of her hand. Nadae felt a surge of warmth through her arm. Suddenly she was nervous again as she realised why the Force brought her here.

 _I am a Jedi,_ she continuously told herself as she exited the cave, striding towards her next destination with wobbly legs and placing the crystal within the folds of her robes for safe keeping.

* * *

She felt it when she was a hundred feet from here. It made her incredibly uneasy. The Dark energy surrounding her chilled her through her skin.

If Yoda were standing with her, he would have hit her gently with his stick and made her gone in. 'Let go of your fears' he would probably say to her right now. She chuckled slightly to herself. "Fear leads to the Dark Side," she comically impersonated her Master in his voice as she stepped through the entrance to the second cave. "Hate, unhealthy it is. Not the way of the Jedi…"

The cave was dark until the end. Puddles of water reflected the faint light illuminated by the Force. Being this far within the cave chilled her right to the marrow of her bones.

Before her stood a lightsaber forge. It was thousands of years old, perhaps here since the dawn of time. She noted that the rocks that formed the forge were cracking, but it was holding together strong.

Then she felt as though the cold air or Ilum had surrounded her. The cave suddenly went dark all around her and she felt like she had entered the void between universes. She wanted to panic, she wanted to scream.

 _I am a Jedi,_ she repeated to herself, over and over and over again. There was no room for panic. Panic would lead to the Dark Side, and she would no longer be a Jedi.

A Jedi was all she could ever see herself as. She couldn't lose that.

And then in the corner of Nadae's eye, she could see the light illuminate a strange figure. The figure appeared to be an old lady, residing in a stone chair in solid black robes hanging loosely off her skin.

The woman's skin had wrinkled in age but remained perfect in its pale colour. Her hair was greyed and whitened, straight and sleeked down her shoulders. Where her eyes should have been were empty sockets of skin.

Nadae wasn't sure why she suddenly felt guilty at the sight of the eyeless woman, but she did.

Her thin lips began moving. "I will avenge them." Her voice like a whispering snake, slithering through Nadae's veins. She shivered. " _My storm will obliterate everyone in my way_."

Nadae couldn't comprehend it, but it still sent shaky breaths through her lungs.

 _I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi, I am a Jedi…_

Before she could calm herself down, she felt another presence behind her. It was filled with rage, it was lonely. There was a certain warmth to it, however quickly pushed away by a dark and chilling breeze.

The mechanical breathing of the figure paralysed her. Nadae was not sure why, but suddenly she had an urge to strike down the presence behind her.

It took all of her will and might to swallow the sudden anger she had required. This wasn't like her; she was a Jedi and Jedi were not angry.

She turned around to face the being behind her. She couldn't see their face; it was covered by a black mask with a breathing-aid fitted. The front of the black suit was fitted with buttons and lights meant to regulate life signs. They were a cyborg, more machine than man.

Nadae couldn't move when the figure reached out and grabbed her neck with their fist. She was lifted off the ground and she began to choke. She felt as though she were being held underwater and was beginning to drown. She couldn't think, her arms went to reach the hand that covered her breathing pipes. She couldn't move the mechanical fist that held her in such a sway that made her feel as though she was about to die.

 _A Jedi does not fear death._

Nadae kept on grasping for air until she fell asleep, choking for her life.

* * *

When she woke up, she was back in the cave of Dark Energy. She found herself gasping the air, swallowing it down into her lungs for life. Her throat and lungs burnt from the sensation of the vision. She hadn't experienced any Force vision as vividly or intensely as that.

She stood back on her feet, her robes were slightly damp from when she had fainted in the water. She clutched the fabric against her chest as she continued regaining her breath.

The forge gained an addition. Nadae struggled to believe her sight for a second as she tumbled towards the rock formation of the forge.

The lightsaber hilt from her vision back on Coruscant.

She picked up the elegant weapon and felt the cool metal on what parts of her skin were exposed from her intricate design carved into the metal amazed her.

She dared ignite the double bladed lightsaber with caution. The blade was certainly ancient as the alignment of the yellow crystal was slightly off. The blade flickered on and off, illuminating the cave in a yellow glow when the blade was on.

Nadae switched the blade off, and attached it to her belt. Master Yoda would certainly be intrigued by the time she returned to camp.

* * *

We can just casually say that I have no idea what is going on anymore in life in general.

\- yoda-is-cool


	4. The Lightsaber

**The Lightsaber**

Set in the same year as _The Past Will Repeat_

 _Dedicated to Tailey. You were my best friend and the best girl in the world. No one can replace you. I miss you._

This had become Nadae's ritual for the past six months. Wake up in the early hours, run through the markets with her Master on her back, meditate, train with sparring sticks in the arena with Obi, eat breakfast, study her ancient history, practice her telekenises, eat lunch, meditate again on her way to attend senate and Council sessions at her master's side. If she had enough time, she'd try to have another sparring session with Obi if he wasn't off planet. Then she'd have her dinner before sneaking away to tinker away at her ancient lightsaber.

She hated to admit it, but sparring with Obi and tinkering with the lightsaber had become a sanctuary to her mind.

Being a Jedi constantly felt immense tense and heavy at times. She would have to ask Master Yoda about techniques on dealing with the emotions she shouldn't be having.

"You've been at that thing for months."

Nadae nearly dropped the lightsaber. "You startled me, Master Jinn."

He chuckled, walking through her room to the workstation she had set up next to the window, looking out into the nocturnal atmosphere of the city.

"You love rebuilding that lightsaber, don't you?" he placed a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged. "It feels like meditation, but without the Force."

"Ah," he pulled up a chair and sat down next to her. "Sometimes doing something with your hands is the best way to calm oneself. Well done, Padawan."

She smiled shyly into her lap. "It's nearly complete, Qui-Gon."

"I can see. Only component left out is the crystal you found."

Suddenly Nadae wondered how she would be spending her late nights.

"I was hoping your lightsaber would be finished soon. We may need it on our assignment to Asation." Qui-Gon stated calmly.

Nadae frowned. " _Our_ assignment?"

"Yes, in a few days you'e accompanying Obi-Wan and I on a salvage and discover mission," he paused for a brief moment, taking his time and choosing his words carefully. "Asation has been known to contain some corrupted Force signatures. We need to be careful and possibly defend ourselves."

Nadae understood, however she was uncertain with her skill. Yes, she was sparring almost every day and her skills had improved immensely, however she still remembered she was close to the bottom of her class in duelling.

"And me with a lightsaber is the wisest decision Master Yoda has made?"

"You know Master Yoda wouldn't let you go if you weren't ready, Padawan." He reminded her. "You're his student, you should know Master Yoda's judgement is amongst the best."

She frowned again. "I should be believing it this time, though."

Qui-Gon gestured to her lightsaber. "Being bitter about it won't change anything, aside from what you use as your defence. You'll be safer on this assignment with a sophisticated weapon."

Nads wasn't a huge supporter of being wrong. She reluctantly reached out to the Force, picking up the gleaming green crystal with great delicacy, moving it slowly to the open hatch in the middle of the hilt of the lightsaber.

She knew if the alignment was off, the crystal could cause the weapon to explode. It was a miracle it didn't send her head off when she first ignited it back on Odessan. She placed the crystal in its aligment holder before closing the hatch.

This was it. Her weapon was now complete.

She stood up and walked into the middle of the dark room. She was unsure of what action she should take next.

"Ignite it," Qui-Gon answered for her.

"But-"

"No, Nads. Sometimes a Jedi must take risks."

"But Master Yoda said-"

"What Master Yoda says does not apply to this situation. I know you've done it right."

Nadae swallowed the tightness in her throat. She did not like disobeying Yoda like this, it felt like a crime against the Order.

However, it had to be done.

She closed her eyes, pressed the ignition and heard the satisfying noise of her blade rolling up and illuminating the room with a soft green.

She slowly opened her eyes, she had only ignited one end.

She felt a hand on her shoulder again. "Yoda and Obi-Wan will be proud of you, Nadae'akanyla."

He removed his hand from her shoulder again and she lit up the other end of her blade. She flicked her wrist and twirled the blade in her fingers, sending it around her body creating glowing green circles. All without her searing her robes or chopping off her hand like she thought she would.

 _I am nearly a Jedi._

* * *

Ok I should post more often now. The past few weeks have been hectic, photography assignments here, psychology study there. Kriff happens.

\- yoda-is-cool.


	5. I am Behind You

I am Behind You  
34 BBY

It was a good feeling that Obi-Wan was feeling that evening. The air of Coruscant had been hot that day, and now that evening had fallen the cool air of the library was comforting. He was unusually quite awake at that hour.

He was reading about mid-battle meditation techniques. Boring. Difficult. It was hard to keep his attention focused on the words. It was apparently not something words could teach him.

This was what Nads was trying to teach him.

She sat next to him with a datapad open, eyes glued to the glowing text _Niman_ and _Ataru._ She had spent her late nights practicing the two battle techniques with her lightsaber, after she had spent the day training both physically and mentally with the Force, and sitting in on Council meetings with Master Yoda.

She was exhausting herself. It felt like he was the only one that was noticing this. He knew why; the promising rumours coming for higher up.

 _Future Council member_ was carrying a weight on her. She knew the Council was watching her as a potential candidate and for this she was pushing herself even further and harder than before.

He kept the _future Grand Master_ rumour from her. Obi thought she had strained herself enough being Yoda's padawan. If she found out the Council members were looking to her as a potential Grand Master she would… _she would break._ If she wasn't taking moments for herself at this point in time…

He ignored the words in front of him, rested his elbow on the desk they shared and his chin in his palm, looking at her painted face. _She looks so much older than what she is with that mask._ Almost nobody ever saw her without her black and white face. Only he saw her sweet, young face regularly.

The poor girl was sixteen. _Sixteen._ When Obi was sixteen, Master Qui-Gon let him into the temple's brandy cellars for the first time. Nadae and the expectations placed upon her had deprived her of what little teenage-hood had to offer growing padawans. Sure, she had to remain within the Code, but dammit she would never let herself free of the Council seat looming over her shoulders which carried enough weight as it were.

He noticed her eyes slightly glazing over. She was sleep deprived. Usually she was able to tell when somebody was looking, but Obi was staring at her and she didn't notice a thing. Not good.

It was peculiar at the same time though. She didn't realise she was sitting right next to him, looking out for her, wondering about her wellbeing. Obi-Wan was slowly beginning to believe she wouldn't see that he was indeed there, waiting.

He was waiting for the day she would notice her was behind her on the battle field, ready to be her friend when she was lonely and lost in the Code. He just wanted her to see, that if she ever lost herself again, he was behind her.

And this conflicted Obi-Wan _so damn much._ Attachment was forbidden, yet Master Yoda knew how close friends they were. It felt like he was encouraging their friendship on some days even. Obi knew he was attached to Nads, but he couldn't help but care for his friend. She was vulnerable to her own Makers-damned mind and – ah. Oh. She'd fallen asleep. Face planted on the table.

Obi chuckled to himself. Both out of how funny it was to see her face _thunk_ on the desk as she passed out, and how tragic it was because she had pushed herself too hard again to be the best. She was a Jedi, and that was all she ever could see herself being. Not after how upset she was with V'kala.

Obi pushed his datapad aside, getting up from his chair. He carefully placed one arm under Nadae's knees and one around her shoulders. He was gentle as he carried her to her chambers, like she was a fragile glass vase.

He was even more so gentle as he lowered her onto a sofa inside her chamber, outside her private room. He knew she shouldn't sleep with a face caked in paint.

He delicately removed the golden band that kept her hood in place, and her glorious white hair hidden. He understood the face markings; something to remind her of who she was. He didn't understand her need to cover her hair though. He ran a hand through a lock on the side of her face, feeling the padawan plait between his fingers. It was a magnificent display of her character.

He went to the refresher and dampened a cloth. He was worried he would wake her and disturb the much needed sleep she was finally receiving.

She did wake as Obi gently rubbed her face with the cloth to remove the makeup. She was dazed, confused, and sleepy. It made her irresistibly adorable. "Where am-?"

"Your chambers. You fell asleep in the library." Obi-Wan whispered to Nads.

"But I need to-"

"Shh." Obi continued in washing her face. "You need to sleep, importantly."

She frowned, forming creases on her fore head, but accepting her fate. She fell back asleep a few seconds after, relief pouring over Obi-Wan.

He kept looking at her unmasked sleeping form after he'd washed her face. She couldn't keep burning herself out to keep impressing everyone. She'd impressed them enough just as it was. He needed her to know that.

And also that he could extend his hand.

He was about to leave, when suddenly, without approval from his brain, he kissed her forehead. He had no idea what came over him, aside from the care and worry he felt for his friend.

"I am behind you, little bird." He whispered, just before he exited to continue with his studies.

* * *

me- *reads a fanfic with 20+ chapters and around 5k/10k word chapters*  
me- *sweats nervously*

I have a good idea for some parts of Nadae's life. I can't wait to get around to writing about her trials! Hopefully I can figure out a way to write... longer chapters.

\- yoda-is-cool


	6. The Most Pure, Perfect Diplomat

**The Most Pure, Perfect Diplomat Who Never Did Anything Wrong, Ever**  
 **Set 33BBY**

She needed a bath. Stat.

Nadae wasn't feeling filthy, but she needed to relax after the day she'd had. In water. With bubbles. Lots of bubbles.

Why are people so _difficult?_

She strode back through the Temple, black robes flowing behind her with a determined look on her painted face. She was determined to reach her temporary Padawan chambers and have a nice bath with scented oils from Alderaan, a sweet cake on a painted plate with a cup of green Cantonican tea and luscious bubbles reaching glorious heights over her body and…

That's a body. In her way. Delaying her on her quest to have a decent bath after a _very_ long day working.

"Not now, Obi. I'm busy." She pushed past him.

He stood still for a few seconds, half disbelieved, before perusing her up the grand set of stairs that led to the second level of the temple. "Not even a little 'hello, there'.?" He questioned smugly, changing his demeanour and approach.

Nads forgot. He hasn't been here in weeks. Helping his Master with disbanding a terrorist organisation known as the Flail. She should have remembered, she was discussing this for part of the day.

She grumbled. "Fine, hello." She continued, knowing that he would still have that teasingly smug grin on his face. Maker, he was going to be _insufferable._

They walked past Master Plo Koon, who appeared to be guiding a tiny Togruta girl down the steps. Nadae nodded her head towards the Master respectfully before hastily moving on. She didn't particularly feel like striking a conversation with somebody else, so she made sure that her desire to reach a particular place was made obvious.

"Somebody's angry."

"I'm not angry," she halted and pointed at Obi-Wan, wincing as she realised she had said that with much more sternness that anticipated. "I am a Jedi, I am therefor not angry."

"Your logic is flawed, little bird."

She groaned. She knew it. Insufferable, sassy, knowing-how-to-get-on-her-nerves… "Please, I had that lecture when I was three." She reached the top of the steps, making her way down a certain corridor. "I need to do something,"

"What has you so uptight?"

She halted near the door to her chambers. Her hand instinctively came to her forehead and she sighed. As soon as this fool knew something was wrong, he would be determined to get something out of her.

"Politicians." She sighed.

"Ah," he moved to stand beside her and rest his arm on top of her head. Another insufferable characteristic about Obi-Wan: he was much taller. "I remember now, my Jedi Ambassador."

Nadae frowned and clenched her eyes shut. "By the Maker, some politicians are _unbearable,"_ it was coming now. A rant. She very rarely ranted but today seemed to be a special case.

"I know," Obi-Wan started lowering his arm and taking a few steps backwards, leaning against a large pillar. "Get your comfy robes on. I'm taking you to our apartment. I know _exactly_ what you need." He almost started running back down the stairs.

"You insufferable fool," she raised her voice slightly so she could hear her annoyance. "I haven't even _started,_ and I won't even have time to have a bath. _"_

* * *

Nads leaned against the window of the elevator. She had changed into a plain cotton shirt and dark brown breaches, there was no face paint on her and she hadn't bothered tying her hair up.

She wouldn't let go of that frown though. She was determined to be grumpy for the rest of the evening.

If she weren't a Jedi, she would've hated the way Obi was staring at her with smugness written all over his body. The way he stood, leaning against the wall next to the elevator door, a leg crossed over the other and arms crossed… made Nads feel… something along the lines of very annoyed.

"Have the politicians always been this bad since I left?"

Nads tried her hardest to frown more. "None of them care about anyone," she glared out at the sunset of Coruscant. "It's never for the people of the Galaxy. Not even for their own planet. It's always just about themselves."

Obi simply nodded. "They're all like that. And you're telling me you only found out about this now?"

Nads shot him a glare that made Obi giggle. "Don't get me started on that blasted Trade Federation…"

The elevator pinged, and they made their way into the small apartment.

"And my help in there is barely any help at all in settling conflicts."

Obi gestured for Nads to sit on one of the soft blue sofas. "What do you mean? Master Yoda thought a Jedi influence in the Senate would be invaluable…" he made his way into the kitchen.

"The Senate does not believe that." Nads leaned into the backing of the sofa, feeling the frustration rise again in her throat. "It's either that when the Jedi offer their help it's not needed or she's 'just a learner', therefor her ideas are invalid and she 'doesn't understand the situation entirely'."

Obi returned to the living area of the apartment with a flask and two glasses, handing one to Nads. "Politicians aren't to be trusted if they don't trust you, Bird."

"Yeah, well, it kind of gets to you after several months of it."

"No, Nads, I'm serious."

Obi poured himself a miniscule amount of what was in the flask. Nads frowned again, unsure of the meaning Obi was trying to convey.

"I think the Republic will fall if they never listen to you."

Nads twirled her Padawan plait with her finger, holding out her glass for Obi to pour her some of… whatever it was… into her glass.

"You're a fantastic leader and you'll be a brilliant Master one day. The politicians and you give yourself too little credit for what you're doing."

"Yeah, well, tell the Senators that…" she sniffed her glass, and nearly gagged. The smell went straight to her brain and she shuddered. "Obi-Wan," she nearly whispered. "is this… _alcohol?"_

Obi-Wan shrugged like it was nothing. "Corellian spiced rum. It tastes good mixed with sweet drinks and juice."

Nads gaped at him. "I haven't had any form of… _alcohol_ … in my life!"

"Jedi are allowed into the temple whiskey and wine cabinets when they turn sixteen," he explained. "You, my little bird, are a year older than that."

"I've dealt with drunken brawls before, Obi, I'm not going to end up like those fools."

"You won't, because you're not violent like they are," he leaned back, taking a sip like it was nothing. "Have a taste, if it isn't your thing then I won't make you drink the rest. More for me."

Reluctantly, she lifted the glass to her lips and let a slither down her throat. Immediately, she pulled the glass away and screwed up her face and stuck out her tongue as it went numb and her throat burned. Obi-Wan laughed.

Of all his insufferable ways of teasing her, she liked it when he laughed.

* * *

She wasn't sure how long it had been. Five minutes? Two hours? She didn't like how she wasn't able to tell how much time had-

 _Ow._ What was that? Glass? Oh. The window. She looked to the ground and discovered she had walked right into the window of the apartment. That sound? Ah. Obi-Wan was laughing at her again. Of course, he was laughing at her, he had never seen her like this before.

Maker, she had never seen herself like this before.

Suddenly all the other thoughts left her head and her face became drained in fear. Obi-Wan was somehow not stumbling as he stood next to her. _How is he not falling over?_

"What if," she gulped. "What if Master Yoda sees me? I'll be the worst Padawan he's ever had!"

Obi-Wan kept on chuckling, swinging an arm around her shoulders. "I think Yoda will still keep you as his Padawan. He's too fond of you."

"Pfft, his mistake, like you, giving me that abominashhh, abominate… whatever."

She was falling forward, except this time a pair of arms around her waist prevented another glorious collision with the window.

Nads squinted. Why were the lights of the city so hard to focus on? They were so pretty…

"Hm? What was that, Nads?"

Oh, kriff she said that out loud. "Lights," she pointed. "they look beautiful."

Obi kept her body upright against his. "There are some beautiful things in the Galaxy…"

"Not the Senate."

She heard a chuckle from behind her as her mind moved to a memory of that pink Twi'lek senator…

"Twi'leks," she murmured out loud. "Have wiggly heads."

He laughed again. It was indescribably therapeutic to Nads. She didn't need a bath with Alderaanian oils and sweet cakes on fancy plates. She needed that sound.

"Nads, it's best if you sit down,"

"Wow, Togrutas have wiggly head too,"

"You'll feel better."

"I didn't realise that before!"

She laughed at the thought in her head. A twi'leks lekku just, wiggling around.

"Obi-Wan."

That wasn't Nads how

spoke. She didn't have a deep voice… oh. Master Qui-Gon is home.

Nads leaned against the window. The coolness of it was soothing compared to the heat the… was it rum?... that Obi had given her.

"Why does the most prominent and powerful Padawan in the Order look as though she has been to the drinking promenade?"

"I gave her some rum."

Qui-Gon rubbed his forehead, Nads felt stress within his Force signature.

"Why, by the Maker, would you give the young girl rum?!"

"She had a stressful day with politicians."

"… Ok. Fair enough. But why… what is she doing?"

The world outside was spinning, and Nads loved how it spun. It felt like she was floating through space with several centres of gravity, all clawing at her to come closer. One side of her face was squished up against the window, looking out to the speeders whizzing by. She found it entertaining and soothing to watch life just whiz by her.

"Look, Obi and Qui-Gon! Look at the speeeeeders! They just somehow go bjjsshhhh-"

She missed the rest of the conversation. She just wanted to look outside. Out at the pretty lights clouding the city.

Once again, Nads lost track of time. She was suddenly lifted into the air against her will, and carried over in a pair of arms to the sofa again. Oh. So soft. So comfy. So niiiiiice.

She couldn't help her eyes close. Even though she would not remember, she heard Qui-Gon's voice flow though her ears.

"I'm not telling Master Yoda. _You are_."

* * *

what? Me? Post a decent length chapter? _Never..._

This is more of a fun chapter. I should remember to write Kat drunk...

I'm gonna get back into TPM pretty soon. Big stuff goin' on in that part. I can't wait to write about her trials tho!

Also, an idea of what this story is like would be... nice. Constructive criticism is always valued in this house folks. Are people even reading this? _Helloooooo?_

\- yoda-is-cool


	7. Author Has Changed Her Mind Yet Again

Author Is Changing How She Writes Things Yet Again Because She Cannot Make Up Her Mind For the Life of Her, More at 11.

I am changing my approach yet again, bc _I, Protector_ is there and why would I continue on with TPM in _I, Valedictorian_ when I've already posted most of there, and I can keep it together?! WHY AM I SUCH A HUGE ******* MESS?! AND CANT MAKE UP MY MIIIIIIND?

Anyhoo, I'll be updating _I, Protecter_ and _The Foreboding_ (Name change possible to come) and I'll properly separate it all once this mess is over yoda-is-cool, over and out. again. 


	8. Lie to Myself

**Lie to Myself  
** _"Silence is my best friend  
Don't want to get attached  
I am feeling different  
I've removed my damage"_

Set in 29BBY

 _It was happening every day now._ Nadae thought. It was slow to begin with, occurring only occasionally. But now? Now it felt as though she was truly living it. She struggled to determine whether it was reality or the vision nowadays.

She sat cross legged in the courtyard, meditating in front of the fountain. Every time she closed her eyes, _that face_ would be looking at her. Searching for her. Calling her name.

The Outlander wanted to see her again.

She closed her eyes again and there she was, sitting in the snow. Nadae could feel it in her fingers when she touched the ground. She tried to think of another place. _Anywhere_ but where she was.

She had come to Eedit to help cure herself of the visions. Nothing had worked so far. So many times she had been discovered running through the temple halls, both here and on Coruscant, only for the Jedi Masters to find that she thought she was living in a vision. It was after one time during the ungodly hours of the morning was she was found in the dining hall, panicked and weapon drawn, did Yoda send her here.

It did not quieten the Outlander's call. If anything, it was worse now. She'd dropped her Jedi Ambassador position due to it.

So when she returned to her temporary chambers after unsuccessfully meditating by the fountain, she found that her wisest choice was to holocall Master Yoda.

"Hmmm," the blue hologram of her Master had a slight static to it, due to the incoming rain that was expected. "Desperate, the Outlander is."

"I know, Master, I just don't know what to do." She paced in front of the terminal. "I don't know what she's asking of me. Nor do I know how to talk to her!"

"Neither do I, my dear Padawan. Try and help you, I will." Nadae sensed Yoda become more and more perplexed by her condition by the day. It was rare that the old Jedi Master were stumped on an issue or a problem. "Different since the Invasion, you have been."

She couldn't think about _this._ Not here and not now. "A lot of things can change people, Master."

He nodded and grinned, content to know she had grown a lot since the events of Naboo, although he knew something was wrong but decided not to push Nadae further. However whenever she thought about the events of Naboo her mind wandered to dangerous places. A lot.

The air grew thick around Nadae as Yoda contemplated what the next course of action will be. "Return to Coruscant tomorrow, you will. Eedit, doing nothing for you, it is." He gave out a little 'humph' and tapped his stick on the ground. "The Council will help you find out how to contact the Outlander."

"You want me to try find the Outlander now?" The pitch in her voice grew higher. "That would be impossible to do!"

"Such confidence you have, that this will be impossible?"

Yoda had given her this listen a thousand times over. ' _You do not know if yet impossible it is, since you have not tried'_ he would always say. She slumped her back. "No, Master."

"Good. Return to Coruscant. Much to discuss, we have."

She bowed to her Master and said her goodbyes. The terminal shut off and she began preparing for bed.

 _Not much point anymore_ she thought to herself. She reached the sink in the bathroom and lowered her hood and began removing her face full of makeup. She felt as though she hadn't slept in _years._ Not since…

Not since… not since Obi-Wan.

 _Force_ she hadn't had a proper conversation with him in _years._ She wrote to and holocalled the Queen and her Handmaidens on a regular basis, and occasionally saw Anakin running through the halls to his next lesson or sneaking food from the kitchens in the early hours of the morning (she was guilty as charged too) but _Obi-Wan…_

It was only when his head popped up every now and then. He'd bow his head 'Padawan Dravvaadas' and she'd return it with a 'Jedi Kenobi' and that was it. They'd only exchanged like this a handful of times. Other times, she was standing in on Council Meetings with her Master and Obi-Wan and Anakin would be giving a report on an assignment.

She scrubbed the last of her face paint off and tied her hair into a bun. _Obi-Wan_ she thought to herself again. _Obi-Wan._

She had no idea what was going on at the time. She was training to be a Jedi and Jedi do not have any attachments whatsoever, so Master Yoda hadn't bothered on teaching her _The Steps of Courting 101._

She didn't quite feel herself after that. She felt _tainted._ Like she had done something wrong and should've been exiled. Yoda always knew she was different, but she always told him it was because of what she went through on that mission. Yoda was constantly asking her if she was alright or if she needed help. She told him she could heal herself. Nadae would never forgive herself if Master Yoda discovered the full truth.

She got changed into a nightdress and sat down on her bed.

She hated thinking about it now. It distracted her from her training and her duties and _it wasn't meant to._ She enjoyed going back to her quarters at the end of each and every day with a historical text or piece of classical literature but as soon as her readings were done it was just her and her drifting mind.

 _Obi-Wan._

And now she was lying in her bed, waiting for the morning to come and waiting through another glorious night, telling herself what she told herself every night for the past few years.

 _Your friendship with him has ended. He isn't around anymore. You won't need him._

 _Obi-Wan._

* * *

Nadae awaited, seated on a bench not far from the Council Chambers. She noted that the Temple was busy today as various Jedi came in and out of the Chambers and hurried past her. Her usual sparring partner, Aayla, sat with crossed legs next to her and her Master, Quinlan Vos, stood next to her as he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. Master Vos was considered one of the more… _controversial_ Jedi within the Order, and Nadae was always wary around him and often questioned his methodology. Since Qui-Gon, however…

 _Puut that thought back in, Nads. Now is not the time for silly emotions._

"Why are so many people attending meetings today?" Aayla questioned, ever curious as she was. "Why are you out here anyway, Nadae?"

Nadae was usually sitting in on these meetings, standing behind her Master the whole time. It was no joke when the rumours started circulating that the Council planned on having her become a Council Member. They had been telling her this since she learned what the word 'lightsaber' meant. She had a reputation to uphold now.

"They are about to give an assignment to me," she twiddled her thumbs as Master Vos shifted his body to stand more upright. She knew she was next to go into the Chambers. "I am not sure why I am not to be sitting in on this meeting, however."

"Perhaps you will know soon enough," Master Vos grinned at her. "I hear a field trip is being planned."

The movement of the large doors of the Council Chambers caught Nadae's eye and two Jedi exited the room.

 _Oh._

 _Oh not good…_

"Jedi Kenobi, Padawan Skywalker!" Master Vos beamed at them, as if he knew he was annoying Kenobi and was relishing in it. "Was the meeting exciting?"

Kenobi eyed Vos with a raised eyebrow. "It was thrilling, thank you." The sarcasm flowed right out of him.

She stood up to get a better look at him. He appeared different now. He'd grown his hair out so it reached the base of his neck, and Nadae was not sure whether she was fond of that or not, and the auburn color had more of a ginger tinge to it now. He'd also grown out his beard, making him appear older than what he probably was. _How old is he now? 27? 28?_ Either way he gave off an energy that was very much different to that when they were on Naboo.

 _Naboo…_

 _Nope! Not today! Absolutely no attachments to this man at all! A stranger!_

"Nads!" Anakin spied past Vos and grew excited at the sight of her. He had grown taller since their last kitchen raid together, which would've been at least half a year ago now, and he had taken to wearing dark brown robes over the light brown that Jedi usually wear (Nadae was not allowed to comment opinions on obscurities in regards to Jedi fashion anymore).

Kenobi eyed past Vos as well. His lips parted and his expression softened. "Nads…" he appeared to be surprised to see her.

"Ani!" Nadae reached out and ruffled the Padawan's hair. She turned and professionally bowed her head towards Obi-Wan. "Kenobi."

He cleared his throat, and Nadae got the feeling that he was shaking himself out of a daydream. "They're expecting you next." He stated as soon as Nads saw he pulled himself back together. _What was the deal with that?_

"I know."

"And this assignment you now have?" Quinlan Vos asked, searching for something to dig into Obi-Wan about.

Before Kenobi had the chance to reply with a smooth sarcastic comeback, the Chamber doors opened again and Master Windu strode towards them.

"Padawan Dravvaadas, you are being summoned." Windu nodded courtly at her before he made his way back to the Chambers.

"This is me," Nadae turned and waved a farewell to Aayla and she waved in return, before ruffling Ani's hair. "Meet me in the kitchens later, Ani, for some pastries." And then she half-ran towards the large Chamber doors. Ani yelled a 'woohoo' in such excitement the Jedi around him may as well have gone deaf.

She did not dare look back towards Obi-Wan.

* * *

They were assessing her as soon as she entered the room. She felt like a youngling on trial.

"Please," Master Windu gestured towards the centre of the room. "come forward."

The room was a giant circle, with every wall made of glass so you could look out to the city around. The Jedi Masters were all sitting in their respective seats, staring at her and waiting for Yoda's cue. They were all here; Koon, Windu, Yoda, Ki-Adi-Mundi, Tiin, Yaddle, Piell, Rancisis, Gallia, Poof, Koth, Billaba… they were all waiting.

"Sit down, my Padawan," Yoda fiddled with his walking stick as Nadae lowered herself to the yellow and red marble floor and sat cross-legged as she was instructed. Then he giggled to himself. "however, not for much longer."

"I'm sorry, Master, but I'm not sure I understand?" Nadae began cracking her knuckles one finger at a time.

"The Council has decided that it is time for you to face your trial." Ki-Adi-Mundi answered. "It is time for you to be recognised as fully fledged Jedi."

"However, as you must know, you must pass your trial in order to be recognised as a Jedi." Master Billaba added.

Nadae instantly knew where this was heading but remained silent in front of her superiors and only speaking when asked to. It was only a matter of time and she knew that, but she thought they would wait until her visions had subsided.

"Your trial, find the Outlander you must, and speak to her." Yoda summed up her trial in one sentence.

Master Windu spoke before she could be given permission to ask questions. "Not much is known about the last Barsen'thor anymore." He stated. "Finding and reaching her will not be easy."

"She's been dead for over three thousand years." She replied. Of course she was sceptical about this; communication with the dead was… _not common._

Nadae tapped her fingers together, contemplating. _How do you talk to someone who has been dead for thousands of years? Why did she communicate on Tatooine?_ How _could she communicate? Does the Council know what they're asking of her?_ These were questions Nadae would usually take delight in finding the answer to.

"We need you meditate on these visions you've been having the past years."

She eyed Master Windu from floor. "What will I be looking for?" Nadae did not particularly enjoy the visions and she did not want to have one again, but this was a part of her trial and her duty as a Jedi always overcame everything else.

"You will know once you've found it." Plo Koon relaxed further into his seat. "We will aid you, but we will not disturb you."

"Are you ready, Padawan?" Master Gallia's voice had a calming wave to it, but it did not stop the sudden heavy beating of Nadae's blood.

"Always." It felt as though when she swallowed afterwards that her throat had constricted entirely. _She had to be ready; a Jedi was always ready_ she convinced herself.

"Focus you will, on the Barsen'thor and what you know of her." Hearing Master Yoda talk was a relief she did not expect. Her Master was sitting right across from her; nothing could go wrong. She was safe. Safe if the Council Chambers. No one could touch her while in the Council Chambers.

"I am ready."

"Focus, then." The little old green man bowed his head and clasped his hands together and the rest of the Council followed suite.

What Nadae felt through the Force was almost silence; the Force echoes of everyone in the Temple was very loud sometimes, but now it was serenity. A silence she didn't realise she needed.

 _Long white hair,_ she repeated in her mind over and over again as soon as she began meditating. _The long white hair, braided on the sides. Long white hair. Long white hair._

This happened everytime; she was sitting in the snow cross-legged and waiting. _Long white hair, like the snow-capped mountains surrounding her. The tattered furs that clung to her shoulders as she sat on the rock facing away. Faceless. The chill of the snow. The smell of pine and smoke. Ancient stones underneath her feet. The wind chilling her warm cheeks. Ancient mountains and ancient history; where it all began._ That was how every vision started, at the peak of a mountain, overlooking the entire Galaxy.

And then there was a dizziness and no matter how what Nadae did she could not stop it. She couldn't bring herself to focus on one point; her mind had started to slip from its surroundings again and _oh Maker it is hot. She felt her sweat begin to drip down her back. Why was it bare? Where was she? "Nadae?" Why wasn't the snow cooling her down? "Padawan Dravvaadas?"_

Then a searing pain would come that started in her head, " _Nadae'akanyla!"_ slowly making its way down her neck, her arms, her back, all the way to her toes. Like electrocution and attempting to understand something that she would never be able to both at once.

 _Ancient knowledge, something that should never have had to be used again._

" _Nadae!"_

Which was why she did not enjoy the visions.

"Dravvaadas!"

She woke up in the Council Chambers panicked and in a hot sweat with her vision spinning. "My Padawan," it took her a few seconds to concentrate her eyes to Yoda standing in front of her, leaning on his walking stick with a sympathetic gleam to his eyes. "Trust that you are well, I do?"

She couldn't even think of the words to answer Yoda with. She hadn't noticed she was gripping the arms of Masters Rancisis and Gallia with such tightness, she was afraid she'd bruised them. She gently relaxed her muscles as she regained control of her breath and consciousness, letting them go and stand up straight.

Mace Windu, stoic as ever, stood just behind Yoda with a contemplative hand on his chin. "Did you see the Barsen'thor?"

"Yes," she breathed out, focusing her attention to calming her shaking hands and crossed knees.

"Where was she?"

 _Breathe first,_ she told herself, _before answering._ She thought of the snow-capped mountains that surrounded her in the vision, the stones surrounding her, which when she thought about it appeared to be ruins of some kind. The pine trees, the crisp air, it could've been many places in the Galaxy but the Force was already telling her which one. _Where it all began…_

"Alderaan," she huffed out. "She's telling me to go to Alderaan."

* * *

Stars, she was meant to be sleeping right now. As soon as the ship would land the preparations for the expedition would be underway. Instead Nadae found herself in the small ship's cargo hold doing routine exercises. Since the purpose of the mission wasn't delivering massive cargo, the bay was spacious enough for her to complete most of her physical training. Except running with Yoda on her back.

She wouldn't be doing that much anymore.

She shook her head and continued counting the chin ups hanging from outcropping poles from the walls.

She used to hate doing this as a small Padawan. Yoda was strict when it came to her training, in particular when strengthening her muscles by doing physical activities without the aid of the Force. Several occasions when she returned to her quarters with sore muscles, bruises, broken bones and bloodied hands. She was self-taught in some mediocre Force healing techniques since she'd rather be found naked in the middle of the Senate Chambers than in the med bay. She smiled when she thought back on those memories now, because somewhere along the way the exercise, the focus, the pain, the blood and sweat she shed all became therapeutic. After long days in the Senate she would either retire with a book or head to the temple gym and work her muscles until they couldn't move anymore. If she believed she would start becoming attached to anything a long run would help clear her mind.

It all helped her not to think of things that she shouldn't be thinking about.

So now she was doing pull ups on a bar in the cargo bay, sometimes testing how long she could keep herself pulled up for.

She was on her longest streak yet; twenty-two minutes. And Alderaan was still a few hours away.

Strong muscles were important for her style of combat or infiltration. One time on an assignment with Qui-Gon she found herself hanging from the ceiling of one of the core world's parliament houses to obtain information. Her ability to hang from a bar for twenty-two plus minutes helped her a lot.

 _Soft footsteps, quiet, mustn't let her know I'm here…_ the energy of the being coming down the corridor radiated a blazing warmth, like fire ready to engulf a world. _I will get her this time…_ chaos and calamity coated in sweetness and love.

Anakin was here.

She let him believe he had the upper hand as he attempted to enter the cargo hold silently. Through the Force she heard the placement of each step and where it landed, trying to creep up on her as she dangled from the bar. She felt the push of the air as Anakin slowly reached out his arms to try and surprise her.

"You're up late."

She giggled as she heard the boy jolt back and yell. "Nadae!" he breathed out. "How did-"

"The Force tells us a lot of things, Ani." She smiled as she watched the boy walk around to her front so he could politely talk to her. "Like when little Padawan's are trying to scare me."

The kid couldn't even answer; he just stared at her. He was both amazed and scared by her. And not used to seeing her out of the robes she usually wore. When Nadae was exercising she only wore a simple brown sleeveless hanfu and loose pants which clung to her waist with a simple sash.

"You're arms are massive." He didn't quite understand etiquette, did he? She supposed this was his way of complementing her. Nadae giggled at the supposed purity of the boy. Years of training had granted her some hefty biceps.

"I suppose so," she couldn't drop the smile, no matter how hard she tried. "Now," she dropped from the bar to the ground with a soft thud, almost as silently as an assassin. "Why are you awake?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"That's all?"

"Yep. Can't sleep."

Anakin was hiding something from her. Was this good he was attempting to reign in his emotions? Or was he bottling it up? Anakin wasn't her responsibility.

"I'll take your word on that for now."

"Can we get some snacks? I'm starving. Obi-Wan says I eat too much but how can I be eating too much when I get hungry all the time?"

Nads overlooked the boy. He was actually appeared to be quite normal for a twelve year old, or as normal as the young boy would get. "Obi-Wan is a fool. You're a growing kid." Nadae remembered her own adventures down to the temple kitchens when she was his age. Nowadays she was happy for someone to come with her, however rare that had become.

She placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him out of the cargo bay towards the ship's kitchenette. She made sure her own footsteps were silent as they passed through the ships quarters, as several notable Jedi wished to rest.

"Are happy patties good enough, Ani?" she asked as they stepped into the kitchenette. It was small, but well stocked.

His face lit up in excitement. "Yes!"

Nadae pulled them out of the refrigerator as Ani sat himself at the bench. She set the timer on the microwave and let the happy patties heat up for the next few minutes.

"Are all trials gonna be like yours?"

Nadae set herself on the mission to find something to drink with her happy patties. "Ah, no. This is quite different from what I've seen other Padawans go through."

"What happens?"

"There are five parts in which a Trial is conducted." Nadae recalled on her early readings from her training. "Skill, courage, spirit, flesh and insight."

She glanced back at Ani, who sat in his stool kicking his legs back and forth, waiting anxiously for more.

"It all depends on the Padawan." She continued to explain when she suddenly stumbled across a bottle of Hosnian whiskey. She hadn't had whiskey in a while… "but you must demonstrate that you can overcome all five parts."

"And this part?"

Nadae pulled down the whiskey bottle and glanced over the label. She was going to be wandering through the Juran Mountains alone in an attempt to find a dead woman. "I suppose a few of them; spirit and insight."

She procured a glass from a shelf and set it on the bench and poured herself a shots worth of whiskey. Nadae recalled the first time she ever drank the stuff, or what she could remember. One minute she was having a simple conversation with Obi-Wan and next her face was squished against the window as she glared fascinatedly at the lights of the city. She hadn't thought about that memory in a while, but she discovered she was rather fond of it.

Curse that Obi-Wan bastard for getting her drunk. The next morning she felt like utter crap, and it did not stop Yoda from making her do several kilometres of running in the streets and focusing exercises in the afternoon. Curse Yoda for he knew exactly what he was doing.

She wanted to keep that memory untainted from what occurred between her and her old best friend. She didn't want to think about after.

The microwave beeped and Nadae placed them on the bench in front of her and Anakin. "What you drinking?" he pointed to her glass as he took his first bite and then proceeding to talk with his mouth full. "Can I have some?"

"No!" Nadae immediately pulled the glass closer to her to stop Anakin's prying hands. "You are not ready!"

"What is it?"

"Whiskey."

"Do Jedi have to go through some sort of trial before they drink it?"

For a former slave, Nadae was surprised he had never heard of whiskey before. She ruffled his hair with her free and continued to eat and drink. "Yes, Ani. Obi-Wan will teach you to drink one day, and you will pass the trial of Whiskey."

"Did you pass?" Anakin seemed to be picking up on Nadae's joking nature at that point in time.

She paused and considered her answer for a moment. "Not the first time."

* * *

Ok, I have been really bad. Exams are over but I am recovering from a shoulder injury (it is really painful to sit down and write at a computer, sry guys). Also, this took a while to get off the ground. I'm gonna tell the story of Nadae's trial before moving on to AOtC.

Buuuuut since there's seven years between the trial and AOtC (and seven years worth of relationship building), if anyone wants to give me any requests then pls comment them or somethin!

I wouldn't rely on the next part of Lie to Myself being posted soon, but if anything happens I will definitely keep y'all informed.

\- yoda-is-cool.


	9. Lie to Myself: I Walk the Line

**Lie to Myself:** _ **I Walk the Line**_ _  
_Nadae has been on Alderaan for several days now, and is making final preparations for her Trial.

" _Shadows fall and hope has fled_

 _Steal your heart, the Dawn Will Come_

 _The night is long and the path is dark_

 _Look to the sky, for one day soon_

 _The Dawn Will Come"_

For so long Nadae had found her structure in these words. They were the hand that pulled her back down to the ground, the bones that kept her straight. These words had drifted her body to slumber, kept her mind focused on her duties, kept her strong enough to make it through to the end of the day.

" _The Shepherds lost and his home is far_

 _Keep to the stars, the Dawn Will Come_

 _The night is long and the path is dark_

 _Look to the sky, for one day soon_

 _The Dawn Will Come"_

These words were the very core of who she was. A Jedi bound to a Code, a woman to give hope for those who needed it most. Singing for the ones who needed a song.

" _Bare your blade and raise it high_

 _Stand your ground, the Dawn Will Come_

 _The night is long and the path is dark_

 _Look to the sky, for one day soon_

 _The Dawn Will Come"_

They no longer did so. They would not settle the ground that shook beneath her feet. A tremor that would eventually become an earthquake. But Nadae continued to sing, as that was all she knew she could do.

"Sing with desperation, you do."

He master startled her making her heart jump up her throat. She could sneak up on others, but she would never get used to Yoda always doing it.

Alderaan was a beautiful sight; the guest quarters of the palace had incredible views of Aldera and the mountains beyond. Appenza Peak loomed in the background of the sight, a place of which many Alderaanian fairy tales originated from and where the Jedi could commune with the Force. The Juran Mountains lay further beyond the Peak, covering hundreds of clicks of area.

Nadae had felt through the Force that she was going beyond Appenza Peak, into the Juran Mountains. The Barsen'thor called out from there.

"Master?"

"That hymn, sung with solidness and strength it is meant to," Yoda slowly made his way onto the balcony Nadae had found herself drawn to over the past three days they had resided here. "Singing it wrong, you are."

She couldn't help herself, one side of her mouth quirked up. "Well, Master, I'm not sure you're really the right one to be giving singing advice."

He 'humphed' has he always did. "You are troubled."

"I am as I always have been, Master."

"Troubled."

"No," she asserted. "I am functional."

She never knew what Yoda was thinking exactly and never could. She could like most Jedi however feel his emotion. _Concern_ was in his mind but after Nadae had asserted that she was no less than normal, he did not press further into the issue. She would not burden Master Yoda with her burdens and knew that he could never know of them. The questions and concerns that buzzed around Nadae's head were not to be thought of as they countered the Code that she had sworn herself to. There was to be no more of this Obi-Wan Kenobi nonsense.

Which was hard when he was the one overseeing her Trials.

But Yoda knew. Master Yoda always knew.

"Any dreams?" he inquired.

"They're not as bad, Master." She answered. "She knows I'm coming now."

All the preparations had been made. Nadae was setting out in the morning to the Juran Mountains alone with just a few supplies and a lightsaber. Queen Organa had warned her of dangerous snowstorms emerging in the mountains but Nadae took no concern of it. The Queen had not been experiencing her visions and therefor did not feel the need to get to the Outlander.

"I don't understand how it is possible." Nadae spoke low, close to a whisper. A curiosity slipped from her lips. "How does she do it…? Is it possible for someone to manipulate the Force like that… even beyond death? I thought our conscience dissipated into the Force once we died."

Her Master frowned and groaned; a signature sign that he was about to begin a deep thought process. "The Force, vastly unknown to us it is," he tapped his walking stick on the ground as if trying to distract himself. "Never before have the dead spoken to us. A Force vision it all is, perhaps. However, know what the Barsen'thor's was capable of, we do not. Understand her we do not. But," there was always a 'but' at the end of one of Yoda's teachings, Nadae was used to this. "return with knowledge beyond my understanding and most Jedi, you will."

He reopened his eyes and laid them upon her face. There was a softness in him that Nadae hadn't felt from him before; quiet proudness and compassion and yet he poured his words out with grief. This was his last piece of advice, his last teachings, and his last words of wisdom that he would give to her. He was a parent waving goodbye to their child as they stepped onto the loading ramp of a starship, embarking on a journey to the unexplored areas of the Galaxy.

"Thank you." Nadae chose her words carefully. She did not thank him for just his advice that he spoke to her on a balcony of the Palace. She thanked him for comforting her over her brother's departure, bruising her skin and breaking her bones during training, taking her to Wild Space to find her lightsaber, giving her the knowledge of the Force that she knew now.

A sudden memory came to her; her and her Master were on a diplomatic mission to Agora in her early Jedi Ambassador days. The ship's hyperdrive had leaked and rendered itself useless after the first hyperspace jump and the power surge caused the shield generator and commlinks to be knocked out, so her and her Master were floating towards their destination for a month alone, aside from each other's company. Yoda had taken to attempting to repair the commlink and began searching through the spare parts shelf of the engineering bay. She had found him some while later _inside_ said parts shelf throwing various technical bits and bobs out with numerous mutterings of 'no!' and 'bah!' and 'useless!'. Such a pity neither of them were very good at fixing things.

Most people knew Yoda as Grandmaster of the Jedi Order, a little green man whose words were considered the wisest of all, containing vast amounts of knowledge in his little head. Nadae knew him mostly as the little green old man who made a mess of spare parts and was a very bad singer. He was kind but strict and harsh when it came to training but Nadae was thankful for that; pain was an excellent teacher.

It wasn't a very meaningful memory in retrospect, but it was Nadae's memory that glimpsed at Yoda in a way no one else could. It was her memory to cherish and hers only.

"Rest, you need." He said. "A big day for you tomorrow, it is, hmm?"

She left her Master to meditate on the balcony. Nadae left the lounge feeling a heavy ambivalence rest upon her shoulders.

No more little green man's terrible singing.

But something else was to come. She didn't know what, and she didn't like not knowing what, but it was coming nonetheless.

She took the stairs to one of the lower levels to the preparation room they had set up. A final inspection of her hiking gear couldn't go unharmed – but from experience she knew not to fiddle with things too much.

"I don't believe the transistor belongs in that part, Seefor." Came a familiar voice from behind the door.

Several chatterish beeps followed.

"No, I do not have a degree in physics."

Nadae opened the door to find the man she had hoped to avoid deep in an argument with the most non-cooperative astromech in existence. More beeps.

"You… you have lecture slides?" Obi-Wan was sitting on a chair with his feet on the table, covered in hiking gear, as he held a device in his hand and waved a screwdriver in the air. "Oh, Padawan Dravvaadas. How in the living daylight does your droid have university lecture slides? That aren't from the Temple? In his memory banks?"

Nadae found herself rocking on her heels and twiddling her thumbs behind her back.

"Nadae?"

The view of the pine trees out the window suddenly became interesting. "I wonder what size the life rings are in the trees here are…"

"Oh, that would be an interesting study…" Obi-Wan got to his feet and stood next to Nadae to study the trees. After a brief moment he shook his head and that endearing frown made it back onto his face. "Don't distract me! What did Seefor do?"

It was an uncomfortably long time before Nadae decided to speak. "The history texts at the Temple became tiresome to read and…"

"Oh no," Obi-Wan's hand went to his forehead.

"And physics is something entirely new! I haven't studied physics before!" she defended.

"So you sent Seefor in to download lecture slides on electronics."

"I am terrible with wires!"

Obi-Wan's expression from one raised eyebrow to soft and sympathetic. "I have missed this."

 _This_ was what she was trying to avoid, and yet she walked right into it.

A strand of her hair came loose and she tucked it behind her ear. She didn't wear her usual Jedi robes; today she was in her training gear again and the maids had braided her hair into a ring around the crown of her hair, a traditional Alderaanian style. She felt vulnerable.

"Seefor, leave." She spoke through the lump in her throat. The droid probably read her physiology signs and decided it was better to simply obey his owner and left the room, pressing the controls behind him and the door slid shut.

Three years' worth of tension had suddenly risen from the ground. "Why are you doing this now?"

"We had to talk at some point."

"Why?"

Obi-Wan's frown came back to his face. "Did you just ask 'why'?"

"Yes. Now tell me why."

Now he was in disbelief. "Because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it." she could feel through the Force the frustration suddenly rising in him. This was new to see as Obi-Wan was always good at remaining calm. He, too, suddenly found himself wanting to be distracted by something else and picked up an electronic board which belonged to Nadae's electronic wrist piece which was to read her vital signs. Both of them had frowns on their foreheads as Nadae observed Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan fiddled with the board. "You know I care about you." He stated, clear and simple.

"You know we can't do this." She felt a pain when she said those words, as if she were convincing herself that she knew she cared also.

Well, she _cared…_ but it wasn't… she didn't _know!_

"I knew you'd say that- ow!" he'd cut himself on a small sharp spike of the electronic board, immediately dropping it to the table and bringing his finger to his mouth.

"Here," Nadae strode over to Obi-Wan and grabbed his hand to inspect the small bleeding cut on his left ring finger. She knew exactly what to do, she'd done this many times before alone in her chambers with broken bones.

She grabbed his hand tightly with one hand and hovered the other over the small cut. She focused her thoughts onto the bleeding, focusing on the flow of his blood to slow so she could mend the broken cells of his skin back together. Once she was done, she immediately dropped his hand and put her own behind her back. She didn't need to think about holding his hand.

He looked at his now mended finger and wiggled it in front of his face, making sure it was working properly. "I didn't know you could Force Heal."

"Self-taught. Needed it."

And then he was glaring at her, crossed arms and everything, like she was a little youngling who had been caught using a broomstick as a lightsaber. "You never went to the medbay, did you? Like Yoda thought?"

And it was her turn to cross her arms and appear stern. Most of the times she had done this Obi-Wan in the past, it hadn't worked because she was 'so small she looked terrifyingly adorable'.

"Don't give me that look." He didn't falter, which was just as well because Nadae wanted him to take her seriously this time. "You never once went to the medbay after training."

"I learnt a new skill." She defied. "It worked out in the end."

"You can learn to Force Heal without experimenting on yourself! You could've gotten proper training and proper medical care both at once." He sighed and brought a hand to his beard. "Going to get your body healed isn't a sign of weakness."

She had been brutal on herself in her teenage years. Yoda was a brutal but soft teacher, always making sure once she was hurt she could be mended by a doctor. Then one day she'd broken her radius in a training exercise and Yoda had instructed she visit the medbay. And then the thought came across her head 'Jedi survive in even the harshest of conditions', and she knew she'd have to harden herself and teach herself how to heal her own wounds rather than see a doctor. And yes they were poor first attempts, hence a few scars and permanent nerve issues, but she got better over time. She hadn't seen a doctor since she was eleven.

"But I survived," she pointed out. "which means I can survive worse." She couldn't understand why Obi-Wan would be upset about this, she was a perfectly functional human being. Aside from the whole Barsen'thor thing.

"I care about you. I care about whether you're hurt or not and whether you're doing the right thing about it." She noticed that he was looking anywhere else in the room that wasn't her. "I care about how you feel."

Her heartbeat spiked. She hadn't intended for it to do so. "You don't know how I feel."

"I know you don't want to feel." But then he looked right into her eyes, begging for something that he so desperately needed to hear. "I want to know how you feel about me." He spoke quietly and taking a few steps closer to her. At this distance he was towering over her. "How you really feel."

She felt as though she were on her Senate podium again; in the centre of the room with all eyes on her with no escape. Vulnerable. She didn't care for feeling vulnerable.

She didn't say anything.

"Nadae, I can't know for sure unless you tell me."

She didn't say a word. A hand came to her cheek and held it, desperate eyes waiting for an answer. She clenched her fists and her throat tightened. Her eyes slammed shut.

"Little Bird,"

And how the name brought her home. How she had unknowingly longed for his voice to say that name. How _human_ she felt.

It reminded her they shouldn't be in this situation. It wasn't the way of the Jedi.

The hand dropped from her cheek and she felt the presence of his body slowly move away. "I understand." He began walking for the door. "If you say so." Nadae presumed that was a joke for himself, helping him lighten his mood. He was failing miserably. She heard him attempt to key the door open.

Obi-Wan should leave. He _should._ This wasn't what they were meant to be doing. _It's for the best_ she thought to herself.

"Why isn't the door working?" she heard him mutter softly to himself.

Obi-Wan should be going. Nadae and Obi-Wan were not meant to be doing this. Obi-Wan should go. He should go. _He should go._

"Nads, why won't the door open?"

She clenched her fists so tightly she knew her body was shaking. Her eyes were squeezed shut. Tears threatened to drop and if she opened them she knew she would do so.

"Nadae?" She felt his presence return to her front. He would be able to see her shaking in front of him. "You don't want me to go, do you?"

He spoke her thoughts for her. The thoughts that she dare not think. He had simply reached down into her core and pulled them up and read them. She didn't understand how he could do that, nor was he supposed to.

She didn't intentionally keep the door shut with the Force, but she knew she had.

The same hand traced the side of her face down from her forehead to hold her chin again. She opened her eyes bright and glittering with water and wide as she stared at Obi-Wan, so tremendously scared that her lips quivered.

He should leave, but she didn't want him to, and it frightened her.

"No," she whispered so softly that if someone were across the room they wouldn't have heard her. Just Obi-Wan.

Both of his hands found their way to her jawline and he stared down at her, and his face was full tenderness. "I want to do it right this time."

Nadae couldn't say anymore. She didn't want to say anymore.

Obi-Wan lowered his head further and pulled hers up. He caressed his lips over hers and Nadae had never felt anything as soft and warm. One of his hands went to the back of her neck and the other found its way to rest on her hip. His beard was exquisitely rough against her skin as he continued the kiss, and her own hands found their way to his shoulders.

She couldn't describe why, but she knew she wanted more, and so her own lips responded to Obi-Wan's movements. At her response, the hand on her waist moved to her back and pulled her closer.

It was a forbidden dream that was filled with soft clouds and the moonlight.

It wasn't long before Obi-Wan parted they lips, but he kept holding onto her and resting his forehead on hers. "You don't regret this, do you?"

Nadae was looking into his questioning eyes again, full of questions herself. "What is this?"

He considered his answer for a moment, knowing if he said something too bluntly or the wrong thing she would scamper away back into the shadows of the Jedi Code.

"Whatever you want it to be."

* * *

so, hi.

Sorry for the long wait (again), I have a back injury so sitting down at my computer has proven to be quite a difficult task. I wrote this little pieces at a time.

SOOOO whatever the hell is going on between these two idiots is finally starting to blossom :) would be a pity :) if the author :) were to ruin :) obi-wan's feelings :) much later :) in the series :) again :)

Also, fun side note, I was doing the Internets and I stumbled across a screenshot of messages between two people and it _perfectly_ described Luke and Kat's relationship to me;  
Kat: "I'll see you in hell!"  
Luke: "are you asking me on a date? i accept"

That's... that's all I had to say, really.

\- yoda-is-cool.


End file.
